"laestadian, apostolic, gay, lgbtq, ex-oalc, ex-llc, llc, oalc, bunner" LEARNING TO LIVE FREE: Married to the OALC

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Married to the OALC

What is it like to be married to someone who is still in the OALC? No doubt it varies a lot. But my heart goes out to all those who are feeling the barbs and arrows of the OALC's unloving dogma. Read the comments
and also here (on the Left the OALC blog).


  1. Hello to all. I guess I sort of started this discussion, so I would like to say a few things here before it gets going, if it does. As I have said, it is not easy to be living under one roof from different faiths. Even tho, way back, for us, our churches were one. We weren't around for the splits, we weren't even born yet. As far as the OALC, I am a branch off the 'mustard seed', which in their eyes means they are the tree itself, the base, the FIRST and lasting church before all the splits and we are the dead branches. My husband and I were both raised with the same values, umm, reading the 10 commandments and trying to live your life by them, correcting things we have done,(even if that isn't done in the same way), believing in God and that Jesus died for our sins. That doesn't mean we see it all in the same way.
    I didn't ask that we talk about this to start bashing how it is to live this way. More, the facts, and what WILL happen if you marry someone from the OALC and you don't change to their church.
    When I was first married, I would ask questions about this or that, at first they would say, the preachers say it is a sin. Then I would say, but it doesn't say that in the Bible. It would turn to, I was trying to find fault, raised voices, and hard feelings. I wasn't trying to find fault, I was trying to understand. After a fews years of no answers except that I was trying to find fault, I just quit asking.
    In the first years of marriage, we fought about everything, all the do's and don'ts. I was many times angry at the 'rules', call them what you will, and my husband was angry because I didn't 'look' like someone he should have married.
    We don't fight about most of those 'rules' anymore.
    Over the years, I have found it best to just be me, without discussing it unless I am asked, then just say, this is what it says in the Bible and leave it at that.
    I think the best thing we can do as the 'worldly' spouse is to just continue to show love, don't ask or comment in ANGER, but with a soft voice and loving heart. They are taught not to 'hang out' with the world, so we ARE the world to them sort of. Pray that God will give you the right words and not speak from your head if discussions do come up, and if you can see that it is starting to turn bad, stop talking. Let God's word do the work. We are not a light to them if we argue and voices are raised.
    I think it so terribly important to talk to the young kids BEFORE they get married on what to expect. NOT out of anger, but with love,and just the facts. Tell them the truth, not embellished, just the truth. When we are young and 'in love', it is so easy to say we will go to each other's church, we will work it out somehow. Saying it and living it daily are two different things, and cause alot of fights that may not be reparable. Please, lets just keep this discussion factual.

  2. My husband is an OALCer. I was born and raised in it also, but left after we had been married many years.

    I have no desire to control what church my husband attends. If he likes it, so be it.

    Our children go with him to church. I'm sure they will figure things out for themselves when they become adults. They know how I feel and they will know that they won't be rejected should they choose a different path.

    I make it a habit not to discuss my decision with other OALCers. If they inquire I will share it with them, but I have no desire to convince anyone else that I am right. Again, if it works for others, that's great.

    My husband is good to me and understands my decision. We have a good life together.

    I wouldn't put up with a spouse who mistreated me simply because the church didn't work for me.

    I think basically in life we get what we put up with from others.

    I left the OALC because it lacks true spirituality. It is a church of "dos" and don'ts". Its main focus is on what one looks like. There is no room for discussion there. In that regard, I agree with the post above. I experienced very little positive behavior from others there, including a few preachers. The OALC is not for me.

  3. I think that it's so very important that young people realize they need to find a mate with the same beliefs. The first anonymous gave a very good example of what happens when issues aren't discussed ahead of time. And it doesnt' have to be a marriage from 2 different churches, even 2 people from the same church can be very different. Sure some things aren't necessarily important, but if there are 2 many differences it's going to be tough. Take rules(do's and don'ts) for example... what happens when children are involved? How does compromise work there? It's hard enough on other issues... discipline, chores etc. without bringing religious issues into it.
    Just some of my thoughts. My children are getting older, and so I've been thinking about it. They have good friends in the OALC. I also know that I can't tell them what I was told.... Just marry an ALCer... well actually I was told to marry a Christian but that translates to the same thing. Christian= ALCer. Christian yes, definately, but my definition of a Christian is different than what I was told as a child. Anyways.. Take Care and God Bless You.

  4. Hi to first anonymous. Do you attend the church you grew up in? Does your husband ever attend with you? If he does, is he recieved well there?
    Just curious, if that's being too nosy, I'll understand.
    God bless...

  5. I go to the church I grew up in and he goes to the OALC. He doesn't come with me, and I don't go with him anymore. When we were dating, we said, we will go to both churches. Well, that thinking doesn't last very long. I think he came with me once when we were first married. He is recieved by all of my relatives and people from the AP very well and always has been. The difference though, is that we don't think we are the ONLY ones going to heaven. My inlaws treat me like a daughter and they are very good to me. But, I do know that none of his family thinks I am a 'christian'. That is ok though. God knows my heart. It is ok in that sense, but I can't tell you that it doesn't hurt that I know they look at me as a 'wordly' JUST because I don't go to the right church. And there have been different things that have come up that have hurt. But I have to also realize, this is the way they are taught and I forgive them for not knowing or understanding. I don't think that it even occurs to them that when they are talking about 'worldlies' that that word alone hurts us. Our children went to mine for sunday school and confirmation, and they went to church with both of us. It is hardest when you have children because there are differences in the 'do's and don't's'. Mom says one thing, Dad says another. I never told them my feelings on the OALC when they were growing up. I didn't know where they would end up going. They are grown now and I don't want to speak for them and how they feel, but I do know that it wasn't easy for them when one parent says, this is a sin and the other says, I don't think it is. They all follow their own heart, and they are great kids, isn't that what we hope for our children? So I am greatful for that.

  6. Anon, interesting that, when you were dating, your husband said you would go to both churches. In my experience, this simply does not happen and is certainly not condoned. It is probably seen as unnecessarily exposing yourself to the "devil's work" ie risk of doubts resulting from a different point of view and new information. If he had been honest with himself and you, he could never have suggested that. Blessings to all you in "mixed (church) marriages. V

  7. This is one of the very things why I wanted to start this topic. He said that when we were dating. AFTER we got married, he told me it was a sin for him to come with me. There were many things I found out AFTER we got married. It was so hard the first years, it seemed that everything I did was a sin, and he wanted everything to 'look' right for his family. We have come a long way since then, but there are still issues that come up.

  8. I found this on another sight.
    Anonymous said...
    I don't know when this post was, I just found it. I would advise the above to be very careful about even starting to pretend to be someone you aren't. My husband goes to the oalc, we have been married for many years now, and I NEVER pretend to be something I am not. It is easy when your dating to do things out of what you think at the time is 'love'. Trust me, it changes very fast when you live it 24 hours a day. It takes strong personalities, and I do mean, strong, to deal with the everyday things that come up. I would never want to go through the first 5 years of marriage, no more than that, again. It was daily arguments. I had a deck of cards that I played when my husband was gone to work, and hid when he was home. It is not easy to be a 'pretender' and it is not fun to fight about things on a daily basis. It is not fun to be with his family and know I am a 'heresy' in their eyes and always will be. I am sure they pray for me to change as much as I pray that God would open their eyes. It has not been easy and I would not advise ANYONE from different churches to marry. I can speak for myself as I live it. I can also speak for others I have seen that come and ask for advice AFTER they get married. There are many things that you don't even realize since you don't live in the same house together. I just asked my nephew, who is dating someone from another church, where will the children be raised? He said in mine of course. Well, that is easier said than done. She feels the same way. There are other things, since you have stated that your boyfriend is oalc:
    What kind of pictures can you put on your walls and are the curtains to frilly?
    When there are family gatherings, and it is a sunday, will you wear a dress to the beach? They wear them ALL day on sunday, no matter where they are.
    Do you cut and curl your hair? That is a no no, and you and your husband WILL fight about that since that is an outward appearance.
    And jewelry, NO jewelry, some even think a diamond in a wedding band is wrong.
    Can you live with the fact that if you don't change to their ways, you will be a heresy forever? And passed by many of them when they greet him and not you?
    Do you want a white wedding dress with all the trimmings? Fist, you will have a fight about having to get married in the oalc church, BUT, if you haven't changed by then, you can't anyway. You can get married at home and have the reception in their walls. And if you DO get married in their walls, you will have to wear a hyvee, as will all of your bridesmaids.
    Since I have been married, I have lived with these and other countless daily struggles. It is not easy. I hope and pray that you see this and MANY others that are dating. I live it, have been living it, and have been called in the middle of the night by others who are living it. My heart goes out to you, I know what it's like when you are dating and the stars are still in your eyes. I didn't think back then that we would have these problems that some tried to talk to me about. Dating is easy, you go home at night, when you are married, there is no place else to go, you are under the same roof. Please pray that GOD will lead you in your life. If you have any doubts now, listen to them, they are magnified by about a million when you are married. And that by the way goes for anything that bugs you now. People don't change with a piece of paper. Thanks for listening and if I have helped even one young person here, it makes it worth the writing.

  9. I sure hope and pray that your above post helped someone, but I doubt it. Sadly, it just does not seem to make any difference what one says. People have to live it themselves. Her OALC man will assure her that it will not be like that for them and she will believe him, but after a very short time he will change and start setting the tone and the rules. She will have to have a VERY strong backbone.

  10. So true and sad! I have seen it both ways, whichever spouse is the OALC. Most of it is for appearance sake I think. 'Now I am married, I have to act right and show that I am still a 'christian' even though I am not married to one.' I think to, they get alot of flack from their families and church members to be a 'light' to their worldly spouse. Funny, they must not have acted that way when dating or the worldly one would have left. I see alot of single people that are dating and are struggling with issues already, and it is usually the same, we will work it out. They just don't understand that 'working it out' means many fights and harsh words and even if they are forgiven, they are not forgotton. The 'love' then changes to hurt, and walking on eggshells so you don't cause MORE fights. Children should NOT be subject to this on an almost daily basis. Recently, the elders were in this area. My husband went to church and to his parents to visit with whoever might show up. I opted to stay home, and my heart was sad, I stayed home because I didn't want to deal with being passed over when he was greeted, or subject to the conversation about the sermons the elders were preaching. Also, it was a saturday, and I didn't want to put on a dress just to go there. (I knew the women would be wearing one and I know shorts are a no-no) Well, so are slacks. They say, "they make it so simple'. The OALC is NOT simple, far from it, it is constant watching over your shoulder to see who is going to catch you in some 'sin'. It may be simple in this way, if you go there, you at least are assured that you are a 'chosen one'and lucky because you belong to the 'RIGHT' and 'ONLY' true church. Please, please, all of you singles, listen to us that have and are living this way. The above poster said it clearly, when you are dating you say, it won't happen to us, it DOES, and it WILL.

  11. I am offended at whats been said of my faith. I am of oalc faith and many topics uve brought up are so untrue. There are no "do's and donts" of the church. You have every right to do as you please, but with a conscience, u chose to do the right things.

  12. There are definitely dos and don'ts. I have recently left the oalc religion and am thankful that i have. There is so much life to live that they don't get to experience. I could go on and on...