"laestadian, apostolic, gay, lgbtq, ex-oalc, ex-llc, llc, oalc, bunner" LEARNING TO LIVE FREE: December 2014

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Peace of Wild Things

The Peace of Wild Things


When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What Makes a Good Support Network?

One of my semi-developed opinions (I have lots, free for the taking!) is that Laestadianism's superpower is its support network. I think about it whenever someone says "I would leave if I could." Well, why can't they? Nobody is holding a gun to their head. They aren't held captive by Spiderman's web.

Not physically, no.

But those of us who have broken those chains know very well their strength.

We did not evolve to live alone. None of us was born or survives without the help of others. Those who leave their old social group must find a new one or risk "failure to thrive," like Harlow's baby monkeys who were isolated for months and emerged broken, or died.

Isolation, even when chosen, can make us sick, depressed, and stunted in our growth. Yet so much about our modern lives keeps us from connecting to one another in any significant way.

I've been thinking of this as I prepare for major surgery later this month. Medical studies show it is not just practical support (information, care, nutrition, etc.) but social support that leads to better outcomes for the surgery patient. I have asked friends for help, for positive thoughts, for prayers.

Prayer works not because it moves the hand of God (or we wouldn't need surgery at all) but because it moves the hearts of patients. When we know there are people pulling for us, we are more optimistic about the future and more committed to self-care. Love is powerful medicine.

I found this advice from the Mayo Clinic relevant to us exes:

Benefits of a social support network

Numerous studies have demonstrated that having a network of supportive relationships contributes to psychological well-being. When you have a social support network, you benefit in the following ways:
  • Sense of belonging. Spending time with people helps ward off loneliness. Whether it's other new parents, dog lovers, fishing buddies or siblings, just knowing you're not alone can go a long way toward coping with stress.
  • Increased sense of self-worth. Having people who call you a friend reinforces the idea that you're a good person to be around.
  • Feeling of security. Your social network gives you access to information, advice, guidance and other types of assistance should you need them. It's comforting to know that you have people you can turn to in a time of need.

Cultivating your social support network

If you want to improve your mental health and your ability to combat stress, surround yourself with at least a few good friends and confidants. Here are some ideas for building your social network:
  • Volunteer. Pick a cause that's important to you and get involved. You're sure to meet others who share similar interests and values.
  • Join a gym. Or check out the local community center. Start a walking group at work or at your church. You'll make friends and get some exercise.
  • Go back to school. A local college or community education course puts you in contact with others who share similar hobbies or pursuits.
  • Look online. The newest generation of social networking sites can help you stay connected with friends and family. Many good sites exist for people going through stressful times, such as chronic illness, loss of a loved one, new baby, divorce and other life changes. Be sure to stick to reputable sites, and be cautious about arranging in-person meetings.

Give and take: The foundation of social networks

A successful relationship is a two-way street. The better a friend you are, the better your friends will be. Here are some suggestions for nurturing your relationships:
  • Stay in touch. Answering phone calls, returning emails and reciprocating invitations let people know you care.
  • Don't compete. Be happy instead of jealous when your friends succeed, and they'll celebrate your accomplishments in return.
  • Be a good listener. Find out what's important to your friends — you might find you have even more in common than you think.
  • Don't overdo it. In your zeal to extend your social network, be careful not to overwhelm friends and family with phone calls and emails. Save those high-demand times for when you really need them. And while sharing is important, be wary of "oversharing" information that's personal or sensitive, especially with new or casual acquaintances and on social networking sites.
  • Appreciate your friends and family. Take time to say thank you and express how important they are to you. Be there for them when they need support.

The bottom line

Remember that the goal of building your social support network is to reduce your stress level, not add to it. Watch for situations that seem to drain your energy. For example, avoid spending too much time with someone who is constantly negative and critical. Similarly, steer clear of people involved in unhealthy behaviors, such as alcohol or substance abuse, especially if you've struggled with addictions.
Taking the time to build a social support network is a wise investment not only in your mental well-being but also in your physical health and longevity. Research shows that those who enjoy high levels of social support stay healthier and live longer. So don't wait.
Start making more friends or improving the relationships you already have. Whether you're the one getting the support or the one doling out the encouragement, you'll reap a plethora of rewards.
What is your experience with support networks? Do you have advice for those who are worried about leaving the church?