"laestadian, apostolic, gay, lgbtq, ex-oalc, ex-llc, llc, oalc, bunner" LEARNING TO LIVE FREE: Advice?

Sunday, July 31, 2005


I've reposted this message here so it wouldn't be missed.

Leah718 said...
Thank you to the woman who has been married to an OALCer for over 30yrs. The posting on this site and one other have helped me tremenously. I am a Chrisitan woman "of color" who has dated a man for two and a half years that belongs to this church. Many of the questions that have gone unanswered have now come to light. This explains the unusual coldness I have felt by the his friends and family that belong to the church. How could this have gone on so long? Because of our careers and lifesyles, it was once easy to live a life separate of that of the church.
I am saddened when I feel his pain. He is torn between family, the church and me. I don't feel it would be fair to ask him to leave the church; this is something that he needs to do on his own. He is a well educated man who has tasted life apart from the church for a while, and although he never discusses this with me, I know he has serious doubts about the church's claims.
Part of my role to him is the love that can exist outside the church; my biggest fear is that he will never leave the church. You are right in saying that attending church alone is very lonely, even if you are still single.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Leah, it is wise of you to consider these things seriously. Your guy is lucky to have you, because a lot of dates would run (fast) after seeing an OALC family up close. (Thank God my husband didn't.)

Even if your man leaves the church, he will never be completely free from it, socially or psychologically. It doesn't sound like he wants to be, though. If your biggest fear is that he won't leave the church, and he has yet to talk to you about his commitment to it, I think that's a big clue.

If you choose to have kids, your children will grow with a significant number of their relatives considering them "bad" or "unChristian" or worse. (Our six-year old is very sad that his grandparents and cousins never visit him.)

There is no appreciation of diversity, racial or otherwise, in the OALC. Why put yourself or your kids through that?

Leah, have the big conversation with him. Then "don't waste your pretty" if he can't make accommodations or understand your concerns. There are many wonderful men in the world.

Don't settle.


  1. HI Leah. I don't know which other post you read, but as I said in one of them, if I help even one person, it is worth writing. Remember this, his family and friends are cold because they are taught not to be with the 'worldlies' and not to date them. This will NEVER change if you marry, actually it may get worse because you will probably have to attend family funtions more often where they and friends will be. It has taken me a long time to realize, I cannot take this coldness personally, it is against ME personally, it is against what I stand for = 'wordly'. The big discussion will come with your friend, please have it BEFORE you marry. I will say again, talk with a soft voice and ask God to give you the right words. If you can see it getting into an argument and you have already said what GOD'S word is, stop at least that part of the argument, God will work the rest. I would not tell you to or not to continue dating him, you will both have to decide if you can live with the critizm, the coldness you have talked about, (I don't have to deal with that from my husband's family, but I do from many of the members of the OALC) I am not saying there have not been raised voices with his family and sort of discussions. I just don't understand, you know? I am a 'worldy' and the preachers say it's true so it has to be. He will lose most of his friends, because that just is how it is. They are taught not to enter a 'wordly' home I think. Show love, love, love, of God's word and how much it means to you when you talk to him. I agree though, you cannot ask him to stop going to his church, he has to see these things for himself. I feel the pain already in your letter, please talk to him and tell him how you feel. I will pray for you that it will all work out, and it will, the way God has intended, which ever way that is. Try to remember not to take this coldness personally and just be you when you see them.

  2. oops..in the first part of the post..NOT against me personally