Helping the Sexually-Abused Child

The recent avalanche of comments on the previous post has prompted a sign-in and moderation process, as this blog needs to balance the need for a full and free discussion with that for respectful discourse. Perhaps I will tell my own story soon, but suffice to say this is very personal for me, and I believe all churches—and our society at large—have a huge responsibility to reform in order to protect children.

Each of us should ask: how can we as individuals bring about that reform?

How can we bring to light something so shame-inducing?

How can we identify abusers, and hold them accountable?

How can we "immunize" children against abuse?

As the mother of two beautiful, happy children, I want to believe that because they are well-loved, taught proper boundaries, and allowed autonomy over their bodies, they are unlikely to be preyed upon, and likely to report abuse.

But what can I do to help children who may be dearly loved but are taught, like I was, to submit to elders, to trust and obey, to see themselves as sinful, to forgive all sins and transgressions, to never bring shame on their family?

We have a responsibility to talk about this.

As I tuck in my kids tonight, somewhere a child is crying him or herself to sleep.

The information below is from the Child Molestation Prevention website:

Act to Heal the Sexually Abused Child

Sexual abuse is happening to three million children in the U.S. - that means in an average eighth grade classroom of 30 children, six children are currently being sexually abused.

Act:

View child sexual abuse as a health problem.

Be the capable adult who will help a child with this problem.

Protect the child physically. Separate the child from his or her abuser.

Protect the child emotionally:

It is NEVER the child's fault, repeat this fact often to the child.

As a parent, say you will always love the child. Show the child that this is true with words and behavior.

Tell the child that very likely, other children in the classroom have this problem.

Tell the child that very likely the abuser has a health problem, and may need medicine and other treatments.

Let the child know that he or she never has to be in the same room with the abuser - even a father, brother, uncle - if the child doesn't wish it.

Take the child to a therapist who specializes in the treatment of sexually abused children.

Protect the child victim, especially boy victims, from developing a sexual interest in younger children with a second-step to good health. Be sure, with the help of a sex-specific therapist, that a boy victim (especially a boy who has been repeatedly sexually abused) does NOT develop a sexual interest in younger children. Be aware that this sexual interest in younger children might lie dormant until the onset of puberty and then become a health problem for the child.

Two More Blogs from Ex-FALC

In addition to Finding My Way ...Finding My Voice which I blogged about briefly on Tuesday, two more blogs by ex-FALC discussing (among other things) their experience with sexual abuse and its cover up and enablement within Laestadianism have come to my attention:

I Am Jim. Not very many posts here, but nonetheless extremely powerful description from a former FALC preacher about the abuse he experienced and heard about, and what happened to him when he started speaking out within the church about the abuse.

Imperfect Lady. Thanks for the link, Beth. :-) Beth has been out of the FALC for over six years now, blogging about her journey since 2010.

Words really can't express the level of admiration I have for the courage these folks express by being willing to speak out against what happened to them, confront the church, and blog (in their own names!)

Free's update:

Beth's brother Carl also is blogging, at Messy Guru.

Judy's Blog

A new blog by an ex-FALC member went online this month, Finding My Way ...Finding My Voice

Only a few weeks old, she's already posted about Laestadianism, the Sami, and sexual abuse.

Reading Judy's posts was a good reminder for me that people are still leaving Laestadianism every day.

I wish Judy well in her journey.

Is it "Caretaking" or Pressure, Intimidation, Blackmail?

A reader sent this article and the English translation below (lightly edited for clarity). If you understand Finnish, you'll want to read the comments as well.

Conservative Laestadians tell of pressure in “caretaking meetings”

July 17,2011
by Pauliina Grönholm
Helsingin Sanomat

People belonging to the Conservative Laestadian revivalist movement, which operates within the Finnish Evangelical Lutheran church, say they experienced pressure as well as spiritual violence, in so-called caretaking meetings.

A caretaking meeting in Conservative Laestadianism means a pastoral care event at which a member is called to "repent."

These meetings were especially common in the 1970's, but according to individuals interviewed by this newspaper, these sessions are still being held. These individuals said they were either a subject of caretaking meetings or were forced to follow the treatment "by the side."

They said that Executive Board members of the Central Association of Finnish Peace Associatons (SRK) as well as priests participated in the meetings.

Conservative Laestadian "Jukka" has first-hand experience of these meetings (because of his close friends, he does not want to appear in this interview with his real name).

Jukka says that current caretaking meetings are less organized and systematic than in the 1970's. Subjects are now individuals who have publicly expressed dissident opinions from the SRK's official views.

While caretaking meetings are often referred to as pastoral care in Conservative Laestadianism, Jukka has a different view.

"In those [meetings] are all the characteristics of the spiritual violence fullfilled: pressure, intimidation and blackmail."

“You may end up in caretaking if you have dissenting opinions, for example about family planning or the ordination of women, but also, for example, if you listen to rock music, go to concerts, or dye your hair."

***

The Gifts of Imperfection

A reader suggests we post a link to the Facebook page for this Amy Ahonen, who has gone missing in Colorado. Please use your personal networks to get the word out. Sometimes clues come from unexpected places. I dearly hope Amy comes home safe and soon.

On another topic, I am reading a book recommended by a friend, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It is rare that I read "self-help" books, and rarer still that I recommend them, but this one is resonating with me and may be of value to other former Laestadians.

If you feel inclined, read it and let's talk about it here.

You can also watch the author in her TedX speech, in which she talks about "The Power of Vulnerability." It's about 20 minutes long, so grab a cup of coffee.

Brown's research (as a professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work) shows that people who have a strong sense of belonging and happiness are those who feel WORTHY of belonging and happiness.

Did you feel worthy in the church? Do you now? What is the difference?

How compassionate are you to yourself?

I am frequently told by my (very happy!) husband that I am "too hard" on myself. It is not possible for him to understand how much humility, shame, and NON-vulnerability (absolute faith) were encouraged in my upbringing. Those are very hard habits to break.

Try taking this online survey of "self-compassion" suggested by Brown. I did, and found myself annoyed by the questions. Clearly I have issues with these topics. I wish I had scored higher, if only for my kids' sakes, as I KNOW compassion is "caught not taught" and they are undoubtedly getting some very mixed messages.

But I will continue to work on self-compassion, even when my "inner Laestadius" rebukes me for it.

Let me know your thoughts.